The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
