tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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