jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
