yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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