I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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