I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
not ubering you a puppy
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
