I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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