Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize