it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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