Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
