You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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