Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
