i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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