There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
