I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he thought i was a dude.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
