if i can run in heels then i can drive
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
