I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
