Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
