Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
