I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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