I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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