I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Boobs speak an international language.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
