Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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