Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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