Plan B is the new Plan A
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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