Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
