Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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