dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
