So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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