Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
