i just wanna soil my oats bro
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize