The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
