I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize