he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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