Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
