How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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