at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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