please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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