I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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