why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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