Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
