i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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