I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
