Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
