you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
