I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
