i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
