Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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