I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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