the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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