I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
