Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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