My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
