I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
