i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
