I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize