I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
