she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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