I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
