There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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